March reminds us of when everything came to a screeching halt in the U.S. in 2020. It was as if we had been at a Broadway show and suddenly we were the only ones in the theater with a spotlight shining down, blinding us. Without an audience to share our collective experience, we were forced to face the question of how and will the show go on.
Read MoreIn grief, nothing was linear. The expectations of what was to come were gone and now everyone was left to their own emotions to try to navigate grief. They talked about how someone would find themselves having a really good day and someone else would be drowning. It was like everyone was on a roller coaster, but not the same one and not at the same park. There wasn’t a clear end to the ride.
Read MoreIt’s like all those missed connections in relationships, the offhand remark, the bid for connection, the distance growing by a butterfly’s wings flutter that compounds, the opportunities for repair that aren’t taken. Then the wings flutter at another fraction of a second and there’s a new series of events waiting to happen.
Read MoreMy dad and I experienced collective whiplash as Baby Blue and I got acquainted and in time, the neck pain eased. But when faced with a red light on a hill, the chest pain would begin. To ease the anxiety I learned to apply the parking brake to prevent a reverse fender bender if the clutch didn’t catch. This meant the brake had to be released and I had to get into first gear at the same time. Fortunately this was not Baby Blue’s first rodeo; her forgiving clutch and easy parking brake release served me well.
Read MoreAs I got older, I found Pop Pop’s two packs a day habit worrisome. He found my general worrying worrisome and somewhere along the way we made a pact. I would try to stop worrying and he would try to stop smoking. We were doomed from the start. When I would hug him goodbye one of us would ask the other, Keep your promise? We would say yes even though at some point I’m not sure either of us was sure of what it was we were promising.
Read MoreSince having children, I still look forward to the breaks as a pause on the homework battles, sprinting out the door and hoping for good train karma, arranging sitters and juggling the Thursday logistics of three kids and three different activities. Then the second weekend of the break arrives and it’s time to be done with the pause. Monday morning never looks so good as a Monday morning on the heels of a school break.
Read MoreWhat truly sets them apart is how different they are as people. At times they are super tight and at other times oil and water. They may be at odds with one another but should someone else be at odds with one of them, the other will be at attention. When they were younger they were buddies; as they’ve gotten older they’ve had to figure out how to be a good friend to their sister when they can’t always relate to the ways their sister is acting.
Read MoreThis evening I wasn’t taking my girls home from the playground thanks to the mid-winter break and instead, I stepped out after 5 p.m., startled to discover it was still sunny. Not dusk, but sunny. After running a few errands I came down the street just in time to catch a window of dusk. The time of day when you get to hold onto the light just a little longer until night sets in. It’s happening later and later, a reminder that winter can only hold on for so long until it releases us from its cold, welcoming more light, more warmth.
Read MoreAnd yet today I walked by this scene that could be meant for a reenactment of Goldilocks and thought to myself, I have never in my life seen this. Is it new? It doesn’t look new. How is it possible that in the 11.5 years we’ve lived in this neighborhood, I’ve never noticed this?
Read MoreI’ve found myself in a quiet, alone place for a while now. Writing has always helped me feel less alone, so I’ve decided to commit to writing for the 40 days of Lent. This is a Lenten gray area - the claim is 40 days. When you do the math, it’s 45 days and things can get even grayer depending on who you ask. I’ll aim for 40 of 45 days - feels right.
Read MoreFor anyone else who wasn’t feeling so magical today and had hoped for a more festive outcome, here’s to us. We did the best we could with the tools we had and one way or another we got through it. We know tomorrow is a new day and we need to go to bed as early as is available to us tonight. And should tomorrow be tough, we’ll keep going to figure out a way to bring back some magic, even if it means it’s next week, month, or year.
Read MoreTonight we decorated our tree and celebrated my birthday when all of us could be together. Suddenly after dinner I realized we didn’t get a birthday picture. I have pictures of the tree trimming of the girls and nothing of my birthday dinner with my family. Out of curiosity I looked back at my photos and realized the last time there were photos for my birthday was in 2018.
Read MoreIn the 15 years I’ve lived here, NYC has never treated me to a full rainbow, much less one like this. I kept trying to capture the whole thing, but it was impossible. It was as though Mother Nature was trying to tell us to take it in, to be still just for a moment. Not everything has to be captured in its entirety for your story to be true.
Read MoreTo anyone struggling to find their people, hang in there. They’re out there and it may take some time, a pandemic and/or shared headaches that turn into head shaking stories you’ll look back on together, wondering how you all made it through.
Read MoreC, you exemplify why two things can be true at the same time, even when it creates disequilibrium. You keep me on my toes, you challenge my thinking, you encourage me to speak up for myself and to say this doesn't feel true enough. You remind me that all of us need a safe space to become unraveled from time to time because after we're unraveled we can weave together something even more beautiful. You inspire me and require me to take many, many deep breaths. I'm so proud to call you mine.
Read MoreIf there was someone who truly loved kids for who they are and not what he/she hoped they were, it’s my mom. As a parent, my best qualities are a result of watching my mom parent me and my siblings, then watching her be an exceptional aunt to my cousins, and now, watching her hit it out of the park as Nana. My not-so-great qualities remain works of progress, buoyed by her promise that the fruits of my parenting labor will really come through as a grandparent.
Read MoreEight years later, our BPCNS chapter is ending. I’ve been ignoring the finality of this, in an attempt to not start crying my eyes out and instead to focus on all we gained from being a member of this community. Today, I’m just so sad to see our time come to an end.
Read MoreMy dad is thoughtful, kind, funny, light, selfless, loving and taught me the importance of looking out for the ones you love and quietly lending a hand without the expectation of accolades. In fact, he would probably prefer this post flew under the radar but sometimes you just need to shine a light on the heroes among us so that on their birthday they can shine a little brighter.
Read MoreSo first, I was not exactly thrilled with another week of having a kid home for multiple days. Then it hit me that this would be the last time G would have time off of school when her sisters didn’t and I decided we’d make the most of it. We got a bubble tea today that she’s been talking about for more than a week and discovered G doesn’t like the gummy bubble things.
Read MoreIt was the first time I can recollect wishing I fully believed in those reassurances too, knowing that protocols can only do so much. Knowing that a school safety agent’s gun is no match for a military style rifle and body armor. Knowing that it is way too easy for people to purchase weapons that are designed for mass killings. Knowing the gun violence our city experiences.
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