Promises, promises

Written February 27, 2023

Day 6 of 40 in a 45-day period: I’ve been a worrier for as long as I can remember. My grandfather, Pop Pop, and I were always close and he was a storyteller who helped me forget about my worries for a time.

Pop Pop started smoking as a 12-year-old kid in the Bronx and continued that two pack a day of More cigarettes habit for the rest of his life. As a baby I didn’t seem to mind as More cigarette packs doubled as teethers. The fact that the cellophane packaging posed a considerable risk of choking or suffocation did not seem to phase anyone although it was 1979 and it seems many things didn’t phase people then.

As I got older, I found Pop Pop’s two packs a day habit worrisome. He found my general worrying worrisome and somewhere along the way we made a pact. I would try to stop worrying and he would try to stop smoking. We were doomed from the start. When I would hug him goodbye one of us would ask the other, Keep your promise? We would say yes even though at some point I’m not sure either of us was sure of what it was we were promising.

One evening at my grandparents’ house for a family dinner Pop Pop and I were sitting together at the picnic table in the back room and he asked me to pass him his cigarettes. I told him no, my heart pounding in my chest. I can’t remember what happened after but I know I was terrified to take a stand. I think I knew he’d never quit. The promise of change sometimes makes us think if we’re brave enough we can change people if we just keep trying.

Pop Pop never quit smoking. I never stopped worrying. But knowing there was someone in my corner, someone who knew I was trying and failing and trying again, was the greatest gift.

I asked my dad to send me the picture of Pop Pop holding me holding the More cigarettes - what he sent wasn’t the picture I had in my head. It was so much better. I can’t remember Pop Pop when he was that young. I picture him older, a bit more overweight and scruffier in the face. What a gift this picture is, to see the person who knew me long before I really knew him, who loved me to my core from day one. I’ll keep working on that promise Pop Pop. When I see you again and you ask me, I’ll still say yes.