Trying something new

Written February 22, 2023

Day 1 of 40 in a 45-day period: I’ve been wrestling with what to do about Lent this year. Although I was raised Catholic, I haven’t practiced for close to 20 years (as in regularly going to church). I remember hitting a point in my 20s wondering if going to church because I felt guilty not going to church made sense. It didn’t and I stopped.

Two decades later I find myself with the same question about giving something up for Lent. Despite being a retired Catholic, Lent is one thing that has stuck around. I’m not sure why - in some ways, the guilt that I have carried with me about what could happen if I made a wrong choice runs deep. And I’ve given up sweets for Lent for so long that it feels wrong to not give them up.

My oldest, who turns 11 in the spring, asked me why I “do Lent” as she put it. I didn’t have a good answer for her. Because I’d feel guilty if I didn’t? Because I can’t remember a time when I haven’t? These reasons feel shaky at best and not a response I’d want to hear from her.

When I think about the Lenten season, many of the ideas make sense. It’s meant to be a season of quiet reflection, a reset of sorts. A time of year when winter begins to wane and the awakening that is spring begins. I’m not sure giving up sweets fits the bill here.

Yesterday I announced I wasn’t going to give up anything this year as I couldn’t justify my reasoning. I’ve spent the last 24 hours feeling immense guilt (thanks Catholic school and CCD), in a tug of war of feeling confident in this choice and then feeling that I or someone I know will be struck down at any moment. I’m not sure I’m ready to let go entirely and don’t want to hold on because of guilt.

I’ve found myself in a quiet, alone place for a while now. Writing has always helped me feel less alone, so I’ve decided to commit to writing for the 40 days of Lent. This is a Lenten gray area - the claim is 40 days. When you do the math, it’s 45 days and things can get even grayer depending on who you ask. I’ll aim for 40 of 45 days - feels right.

This evening I’ll eye my bag of Peanut M&Ms, reminding myself there’s nothing wrong with change. Even if the change could cause you to be struck down. I digress.