Staying stuck, just for a little while

Written March 16, 2023

Day 23 of 40 in a 45-day period: Whether you consider the Lenten season to be 40 days or 45, it’s more than halfway done. In years past this week and the next, or weeks three and four, have always felt the hardest. You’re moving further away from the beginning but aren’t close to the end either. You’re stuck in the messy middle.

I’ve been wrestling with this middle place lately. The place where you’ve put in so much work to get you to where you are, and maybe you can start to see the finish line in the distance. Getting to this place has taken its toll. There’s been sacrifices and heartaches intermingled with wins and celebrations, laughter and joy, sobs alone on the floor. Trying and failing and succeeding and trying again.

The writing isn’t coming as easy in the messy middle either. In the beginning there were stories I’d had for years and was thrilled to get on paper/screens and share. In the middle, I’m losing track of which stories I’m holding onto and which ones I’ve told. I feel less confident and question myself more. If I share this, will it be too much? Too personal? Will people feel uncomfortable? Will it matter?

I was waiting for the F train this afternoon, thinking about what to write today and feeling there wasn’t much to say. I noticed how just past the platform the tracks start curving and switching, giving options for other trains to keep moving when another train is stuck, sitting in the messy middle. More likely it’s sitting due to a signal malfunction, doors that won’t close, a passenger needing assistance or that one person who insists on holding the doors. But every so often a train is just stuck and needs a quick fix or a tow to continue moving forward.

I think that’s what this writing experiment has been for me - a nudge to get unstuck, to move closer to an end or a new beginning. This piece, and future pieces, may not be pretty and polished and maybe that’s the point of the messy middle. A place to navigate through all the twisted tracks only to arrive at a destination that’s been waiting for you all along.