Living in the gray

It’s an interesting dynamic, having a young family while working in education as a consultant and a skincare business.  On paper, it checks all the boxes.  Flexible schedule. The ability to work from anywhere.  Working in schools some of the time but not all of the time.  Never missing a moment – unless it’s announced late and you can’t change your schedule.  Running a business from the palm of your hand but missing face-to-face connection.  As you start listing all the on paper benefits, you start to realize they contradict one another here and there and realize why this push-pull continues to push and pull in all directions.

When you work some of the time but not all of the time, then you can be there for school drop-offs and pick-ups some of the time but not all of the time, and you can make it to your kids’ events sometimes in the fall but not most of the time late in the spring.  It’s a strange place to be – most of the time but not all of the time being on the outside looking in, with a toe in the water but never fully submerged.

I often wonder if this experience is heightened due to living in NYC, where most of us but not all of us are going a million miles an hour, where getting to know other parents and colleagues is always on shaky ground because you never know how long they’re planning to stay.  Making new adult friends is hard enough and leading off the conversation with “How committed are you to living in NYC for the long haul?  I need to know before we can proceed with this conversation and possible friendship,” isn’t a bulletproof method for building new relationships.

This is what living in the gray is like.  Having a toe in the water at a number of different ponds, but never feeling fully immersed in one. I imagine I’m not the only one who lives in this way, although social media tends to paint a picture that so many others have found a place in the pond, complete with a flamingo raft and a fruity drink in hand photo to document it.

I’m not sure social media has me convinced. I have to believe that more often than not, all of us are dipping in ponds without many opportunities to be fully immersed, because the reality is, it takes work to find and build community. It means leaving the screen behind and actually getting out.  It means letting go when others say they want to be in your community but strangely can’t seem to find the time to respond to your call.  Or realistically, your text message.

It means defining what exactly you’re looking for – a walking partner?  A coffee here and there?  Someone to chat with on the phone?  A dinner partner, or a group of partners? Then comes the hard part – committing to doing it and … actually doing it.  Going out for the walk even though your night was a disaster.  Grabbing the coffee after drop-off even though you know you have that deadline looming. Answering the phone when it rings. Getting a sitter, or coordinating with your partner over who’s wrangling the crew at bedtime, so you go to dinner even though your couch is calling your name.

For me, this is all such a work in progress and lately, the burnout feels strangely high considering my work schedule has been in a quiet phase coming off the summer.  I’m wondering if part of the burnout is due to the lack of focus – having too many ponds when perhaps the energy needs to focus on locating and investing in a lake that’s deep enough to be immersed in. 

If you’re also living in the gray, dabbling in all the ponds and working your way toward a lake, I’d love to learn more about your roadmap. I’ll continue to write about it myself as I aim for progress in the struggle.  My hunch is the lake presents its own set of challenges but that won’t stop me from making my way over there. 

I hope it won’t stop you either.