Hearts breaking and bursting

Written November 21, 2021

It occurred to me today that you are now closer to 10 than you are to 9, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

You’re getting closer to the ages of the students I work with in my middle schools and I find myself in a bit of a tug of war- encouraging you as you start to take off and flex your independence while wanting to keep you on the ground with me. I guess this is what’s supposed to happen but no one said that every day would be filled with the feeling of my heart bursting and breaking just a little bit, over and over again. You need me less and more simultaneously and I am realizing there’s no perfect balance to that equation but instead, it’s holding the rope tighter and then giving it some slack, hoping to adjust the tension correctly.

I know I’m not acing this assignment and I am so grateful for your grace as both of us try to figure it all out. We still have a few months before we hit that decade mark and I’ll celebrate it with an appropriate balance of tension and slack. But for now, I’ll hold on tight, knowing how fast it goes even when it feels like time is standing still.