Recently my sweet C turned 5 and I drafted the obligatory social media post celebrating five years of adventures with her. As I wrote the post, I found myself writing in kid code – when you know there’s a good chance they’ll read this down the line when they have their own social media accounts and you know you better have that silver lining shining through. 

For those who don’t have children and are considering bringing these blessings into their lives, I invite you to read on to get yourself an education on what we’re saying but not saying.  I’m sure your future child/children won’t be this way, but just in case, consider this your crash course. For those who have found themselves authoring one of these posts, I’m curious to see if most of us write in this code or if perhaps, I am the exception and not the rule.

 A typical child happy birthday post often starts with:

And just like that you are fill-in-the-blank years old!

This translates to: Somehow we have managed to cohabitate together for fill-in-the-blank years. While it’s crazy to me that you’re actually fill-in-the-blank years old, I still remember how insanely long the hours between 1 a.m. and 6 a.m. are and frankly I’m unsure of how either of us made it through ages 2-4 (or frankly, any of it).

Next up comes the description of the child. 

This may look like: You are sweet, spunky, fiercely independent, driven and curious. 

I’ll give you an adjective/phrase definition to clarify these points. 

Sweet – the child is kind most of the time, uses please and thank yous and probably is an awesome rule follower which means they also police any relevant siblings and friends in addition to their parents.

Spunky – the child moves to the beat of their own drum, which plays loudly and with gusto often in small spaces and when encouraged to hush for a minute. 

Fiercely Independent – the child will not take no for an answer and will stand up for everything they believe in regardless of who’s around, where they are and what they’ve already been told 25 times earlier that day. Often when this phrase is used, it indicates that the parent/guardian is quite hesitant to add any more siblings to the mix.

Driven – there’s a good chance the child will be in upper management one day.  Until then, there’s a good chance you will find Sharpie on the walls, the child wearing a different outfit home from school than you recall them walking out the door with and they will know how to jump any and all firewall/parental control features out there.

Curious – the child knows first hand that cell phones do not swim, raisins are only meant for the mouth and not the ears or eyes, uncovered electrical sockets are not the place to try to store your comb, lemons by themselves taste terrible and many more life lessons that are best learned from experience because to take someone’s word for it makes you a fool for life.

Are you starting to get it?  Do you see what we’re all doing with these posts?  I wasn’t so convinced in the beginning either, so read on because you may one day find your eyes welling up as you read:

My mini me! You keep us on our toes, you look out for others and our world was forever changed the day you came into our lives.

My mini me! – Sweet mother of all things holy – the child is like his/her parent in all the ways they wish they could change about themselves and now realize what that saying, wait until you have kids one day, was all about.  The child does have many redeemable traits, but it’s hard to focus on those when you’re confronted with your mirror image hundreds of times a day. 

You keep us on our toes – Refer to previous description for curious and add in here that this child is never to be left alone.  Silence is not golden in this scenario.  Although it may result in a golden surprise.

You look out for others – if an outsider were to mess with one of this child’s own, he/she will throw down in a minute because you don’t cross family lines.  This child will most likely go on to be the captain of any team or leader of an organization but until then, there will be many trips to the ER, calls from school and uncomfortable run ins with parent friends when a flare up ensues.

Our world was forever changed the day you came into our lives – basically, life has been thrown into total chaos since this child left the womb. Child proofing was a joke, going out to eat was off the table for nearly five years and even today doesn’t happen without an electronic device, the parents just want to sleep through one night and the vasectomy was scheduled within a week of this child’s arrival.  

So if you’ve ever read one of those posts and wondered how so many children out there are as angelic as they appear in social media world, now you know.  

Even though you’re armed with this information, one day you may find yourself writing the same kind of post and you’ll take comfort in knowing that you my friend are not alone.  So you’ll add in this closing line as a nod to all those who’ve come before you, for those who are standing (or trying to stand) in solidarity with you and as a warning to those who will come after you:

So happy birthday sweet your-child’s-name-here! We can’t wait to see where this year will take you and we will hold on for dear life in the hopes that all of us arrive at the next destination safely, with little collateral damage and with our parent friendships intact. Cheers to the next chapter!