Mind games on the racquetball court

Written March 7, 2023

Day 14 of 40 in a 45-day period: At some point in my time at Maryland I took racquetball - I think it was my junior year but the details are fuzzy. What was clear was I was not destined to play racquetball.

At some point during the semester, after mastering the basics, we began to play matches. The winner advanced to the next court and the loser stayed in place. I consistently jumped out to an early lead, going up something like 6-1, 7-2, or 8-0, only to lose 15-8. In all the matches we played, I never advanced from my court.

It was as though a mental block took over as my lead grew. I would start to get excited at my early lead and think, “Today is going to be the day!” That excitement continued until my opponent scored a few points. Quickly my mindset shifted to, “Hold onto your lead!” and then to “You are a terrible racquetball player.”

I wasn’t a terrible racquetball player but I was a terrible self cheerleader. As soon as the possibility of defeat emerged I began talking myself out of the win and stood by to witness my own demise. It became easier to tell myself, “You know you’re going to lose,” than to consider, “Today will be your day.”

I’ve carried that mindset with me for a long time. I’d go to a tryout and tell everyone I probably wasn’t going to make it. I’d go to a job interview and psych myself out of it, even if it did go well. It has felt safer to prepare myself for the inevitable no than to get my hopes up for the possible yes. Disappointment is a tough emotion to sit with, so what better way to manage it than to sit with it ahead of time and then exult in relief if you were wrong? It turns out this is not a healthy way to cope and it is a work in progress for me to focus on the excitement of what’s possible.

While my racquetball career was short, the silver lining was I had a pair of goggles at my disposal when Halloween came around. My dad, who never throws anything away, gave me those shorts that somehow survived from his time at Maryland. Someone had a tennis racquet and the rest was pieced together thanks to the generosity of friends. To this day it is my best Halloween costume of all time. On October 31, it truly was my day.